Your child has entered the teenage years. You enjoyed the first thirteen years of your child’s life. You worried about them every day. You changed so many diapers during their early years and watched with a smile on your face as their team placed first in the sixth grade soccer championship. You guided them through the struggles in life such as bruised shins and taking their first test at school.

Those years must have been the most strenuous, right? They were 100% dependent upon you and that took a great deal of your energy. Shouldn’t it be simpler now that they are teenagers? They are more independent and don’t need your supervision in every situation. They can do some of the chores in the house and in the garden. They can take care of themselves if you want to go out for a late movie. You talk with them about subjects you will both enjoy, right?

Then why is it that things don’t turn out that way when your child goes through their teenage years? What happens? In some societies, a 13 year old would be thought of as an adult. They could work in the government and even marry. This is not so in Western society. The teen years in the Western part of the world are stricken with with conflict and struggles. Why does this happen?

Clearly stated it is due to human development and everyone’s expectations.

The brain is complex. It is in a great state of growth and development during the teenage years. It is always growing, expanding, evaluating, and making links. These links build the foundation for memory, learning, perception, and social rationale.

From birth through age 12, your child’s brain absorbs and learns a large amount. At birth the brain communicates through non-verbal means and by age 12 your child can communicate through effective verbal and reasoning means.

And then it all falls apart. Quite literally, during the teen years the brain completely re-wires itself. And while it does so, it actually LOSES some of its previous abilities and skills. This is most noticeable in the area of social communication. The teen years are, pre-eminently, a time of learning how to be a social being – how to form and maintain social attachments – to society, to friends and, of course, ultimately to a sexual mate.

Comprehending the ins and outs of the social scene can be difficult for their teenage brain. Their brain goes back and forth between its methods of operation during their pre-teen years and how they are expected to act as teens. This tug-of-war can make the social behavior of a teenager inconsistent and sometimes perplexing.

This conflict is also affected greatly by the ups and downs of their sex hormones. Plus, teens tend to stay up late and lose out on much needed sleep. These factors together can make for one irritable teenager.

But there is more, and this is the second factor: The teen years are also a time of shifting expectations. The language of expectations is contained in words such as “should”, “ought”, “at this age”, “normal”. And the teen years seem to be especially filled with such words – what should a 13, 14, 16 year old be allowed/expected to do? What expectations of “normal” behavior do the parents, the teenager, the friends, the teachers, the neighbors, the police, the society have? Are they not often very confused and mixed?

But there is a problem with expectations. Every time you have one, you have the potential for a problem. A behavior is only a behavior; until someone says that it “should not” be happening. Then, suddenly, it is a problem.

The combination of the varying expectations, sex hormones, and plain teenage angst cause your teenager to act like a pleasant dear one minute and a force to be reckoned with the next.

So, how do you manage all of this? Here are some ideas. Next time you are in an argument with your teen – or getting frustrated with his or her behavior, consider the following:

1) Bickering and yelling will get you no closer to a resolution.

2) Your teenager wishes to have the optimal outcome as well. They are relying on the ability of their perceptions and skills which could vary greatly from yours.

3) It is important to note that your teenager is still trying to understand their role in life and also may not understand either why the two of you are fighting.

4) Why is it such a potent problem? Whose expectation has not been met? Is this really a devastating problem in the big world of life?

5) Brainstorm different ways of communicating with your teenager besides forcing them to see things your way.

6) Remember, your teenager will outgrow the teenager years eventually. Think about the future and how you will want to remember this time in your lives.

Yes, have rules. Yes have expectations. But, at the same time, Mom, Dad, chill out a bit. Don’t totally alienate them – find some ways of having FUN again.

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 25th, 2008 at 6:38 am and is filed under Parenting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.