Kids And Power Struggles
Nobody wins in a power struggle. They are the most unfruitful things we can do with our children, yet often as parents we find ourselves having a power struggle.
Recently my 13 year old son decided to test the limits on a Friday evening. His friends called over at about half past eight at night and asked him to come and play in the park. Now Kieren knew that it would be over my dead body.
All the same he thought he would try his luck so he said to me, “Mum, please can I go outside with my friends to the park?” I said “no”, and Kieren asked me again. I repeated my answer quite firmly by saying, “no you will not go outside again tonight”. We had just arrived home from Youth Group so I was hardly depriving my kids of entertainment.
From the kitchen I could hear Kieren and he was not a happy chappy. He started to carry on like only a stroppy teenager can. He slammed the bedroom door not once but twice. He spent about ten minutes whingeing and moaning about my decision in an attempt to try and get me to change my mind.
Now here’s the thing, Kieren was angry and I didn’t try to make him agree or be happy with my decision. He seemed to need a bit of time to cool down. You cannot expect a teenager to always say sorry straight away. Kieren went off to bed in a huff but the next morning he came to me with an apology.
As parents we should realize that kids often try to exert power over others, whether peers or parents. When this happens we should try to offer choices rather than making too many demands. This can ease the pain associated with conflict and ultimately prevent power struggles from occuring.
It is human nature to test authority. Most of us do it at some time in our lives. But when kids do it they are wanting to know that you will not waver in your boundaries. This gives them a feeling of security in their lives.
I have realized that as a mother to four kids it is not always my job to be liked. In fact sometimes your kids will hate you for the boundaries you give them. Kieren hated what I did to him on that Friday night. But the next morning he was very sorry for his behavior.
I was pleased that the apology came forth but it was too late to avoid the consequence. Kieren’s door was taken off its hinges for a week. he was not impressed but learned a valuable lesson about not slamming doors. And he hasn’t slammed a door since!
